Chapter 6

For your Maker is your husband – the Lord Almighty is His name – the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth – Isaiah 54:5

Looking back over my life as a child, I can’t say that I followed the traditional practice of daydreaming about what my wedding day would be like. Unlike most other little girls, I have no memories of seeing in my mind’s eye the wedding ceremony, the wedding gown, the flowers, the handsome groom and the hopes of living happily ever after. Nevertheless, I expected that one day I would be married.

During my years of schooling, when many of my friends were clamouring for relationships, I was more concerned about getting an education. I guess I was a late bloomer. My eyes were focused on that goal, and I would not be distracted.  I wanted to build a solid foundation before embarking on a relationship which would lead to marriage. I valued my independence and, as such, did everything that I could to ensure that I put in the groundwork that was necessary for that dream to become a reality.

 As a Christian, I wanted to follow the principles of the Bible, as well as the example set by my parents who were married and living with us children in the same house. I realised early that that sort of family structure was not the norm for everyone, but I wanted no less for myself and my future children.

I started praying about marriage when I was about twenty years old. Even though I knew I was not yet ready for a relationship, I thought it prudent to submit the matter to God and allow Him to lead me in what I realised was, next to becoming a follower of Christ, the most important decision one could ever make in life (in my humble opinion). A few years ago, I asked the Lord why, after so many years of praying, I was still not married. He reminded me that if I had gone ahead and done things my way without asking for His guidance, I could very well have been married but would not have been happy or maybe would have even been divorced. Looking back now, I realised that even when I thought I was ready for marriage, I was deceiving myself. I was far from ready. There was so much that I didn’t know and so much that I needed to learn. I still had much to learn about myself, my purpose, God’s plan for marriage and about life in general before considering sharing my life with someone else.

In relation to the desire for marriage, people often twin the verses which say that when we delight ourselves in the Lord, He gives us the desires of our heart (Psalm 37:4)  and no good thing will He withhold from them that walk uprightly (Psalm 84:11), meaning that God will give us marriage if we desire it and not withhold it from us. That is true in one sense, but in another it is not. Yes, God sees our desire for marriage, but he often withholds it for a season because He sees that we are not yet mature enough to handle it. If He were to give it to us at the particular time, it would destroy us. Timing is everything. A good thing at the wrong time can be just as destructive as a bad thing. God’s withholding of marriage is, in this sense, a good thing for us because, in His wisdom, He is preventing us from biting off more than we can chew. He is saving us from ourselves. He is sovereign, and He sees the beginning from the end, and so even when we do not understand, we can trust Him because He has our best interest at heart and He causes all things to work together for our good (Romans 8:28).

Throughout my life, I had a notion in my head that I would be married by the age of 29. This was born out of the fact that both of my sisters got married in their 20s. I assumed that the same thing would happen for me, so I gave myself until age 29 to get married. Little did I know that my plan was not God’s plan. Year 29 has long come and gone, and I am still living my life as a single woman.

After completing my studies at university, I felt that it was time to enter a relationship. I thought I was ready as I had accomplished most of my educational goals and was now gainfully employed. I believed that I had laid a strong enough foundation on which to build the rest of my life.  I started to pray more earnestly, and because I wanted a relationship so badly, I told God that I was willing to give it a try, even if it did not work out. And yes, they did come, but they did not work out. I now realise I sabotaged myself by saying, ‘even if it did not work out’. Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit (Proverbs 18:21). I spoke death of my future relationships and ate the fruits thereof. As the Word also declares in Mark 11:23, you will have what you say.  Words have creative power, so we must be careful of what we say. God set the example for us back in Genesis when He spoke the words that brought the word into existence. Whatever He spoke came to be. When He said ‘let there be light’, light came forth. We are no different. Our words shape our world.

So, after three failed relationships, I had had enough. I had a serious talk with God because I didn’t want another relationship that failed. I decided that I would not just go with any guy who came along wanting a relationship. I wanted to marry someone who God had ordained for me to marry. That certainly would not come easy, given the natural desire to receive instant gratification. But I was willing and prepared to wait on God’s best for me.  It has been, and continues to be,  a challenging journey, but I have learnt some valuable lessons along the way. By the grace of God, I am still standing and will, with His help, continue to do so. I trust in God’s perfect plan for my life and believe that at the right time He will bring the right person into my life because His ways and thoughts are higher than mine.

I will share more of the chapter in later posts>

Let’s chat in the comments. If you are a single woman, what has your experience been like?